JudoWolf.com

As the plane taxied down the runway the older man glanced out the window and thought about the last few days. He attended the wake and funeral of Sam, his mother’s third husband. She had been married to him for five years and they were good companions. This would be the third time she would once again be alone and he pondered how she would fare, at 82 the chances she would remarry were slim. During Sam’s illness, the older man assisted his mother, and knew she would need help as she aged. He spoke to his younger brother who agreed it would take a lot of time and energy; they would provide whatever she needed as they loved her and realized her time was getting short.

The plane finally broke through the clouds, and the sun reflected off the wing. Watching the sun’s rays crawl off the wing toward his window, the older man thought about wakes and funerals, and the strict rules and protocols which govern each. The head of the family was in charge and the other family members were expected to assist him or her. Friends and relatives were likely to attend either one or both of the services. A reception line was formed for the immediate family to stand, greet the visitors, and introduce their friends to other family members before the visitors pay their respects to the deceased. The head of the family was in constant communication with the funeral director to answer any questions or honor any special requests. This enables the family power to send the deceased off by honoring their last wishes; saying good-by helps them deal with the finality, so the healing process can begin.

This was the first wake and funeral the older man attended where he was neither a family member nor a friend: and felt in the middle. He saw Sam as a friend, not a family member; while his mother viewed Sam as her husband. The ambivalence he carried was neither good nor bad, as he came to provide emotional support for her. Sitting there watching the people interact was like being a fly on the wall, seeing everything going on, but feeling like an outsider. His mother knew Sam for five years, while some of his family knew him for over 60 years. This discrepancy was difficult to overcome at times; all involved were not sure what to do, so the rule of thumb became asking and explaining. It was like having a third wheel which is in the way sometimes, but cannot be put aside. Sam’s family extended all the courtesy to her and made sure the funeral director treated her as a family member. She was included in the reception line, and if they wanted to change anything or if she wanted something they made sure it was discussed. Our family kept our distance and left the decisions to Sam’s family. This was difficult for us as there was no protocol to follow, a defined role didn’t exist, resulting in feelings between normal and awkward. We got through it with the help of each other’s families due to our mutual respect.

Our society is ever changing, people are living longer, and second and third marriages are common. These marriages have required a change in the way loved ones are viewed during wakes and funerals. Funeral directors are going to establish new protocols to deal with the loved ones. Our families were aware of the awkwardness involved and each give a lot for a little would never do.

The older man came out of his thoughts, grabbed his book from the seat pocket in front of him, and settled back in his seat. Opening the book he remembered sitting across from Sam the last time they had lunch. Sam was smiling and then they were laughing and the moment was not awkward.

This blog is dedicated to Sam, his family, and my mother

With kindest regards, Judowolf