JudoWolf.com

My buddies have been bugging me to write a musing on golf.  They say I view golf in a twisted way. “TRUE.” They are not the sharpest knifes in the draw, and view the PGA RULE BOOK as The Holy Grail. This Holy Grail of golf was thrown together by a bunch of old pompous asses, with nothing better to do than drive retired people crazy. The rules are obscure and confuse the players. Thus, the average player today has no idea what is what. The exceptions are the PROS. Unbeknown to the public they all have what are called Grail Interpreters. These individuals know the book inside and out. “You think I’m full of shit? Okay, here is a perfect example.”  Last year there was a tournament on TV and a famous players (I will not mention the name as he will sue me for a gazillion $) ball landed behind a HUGE tree. There was no way he could go around it and would have to chip back onto the fairway. After locating his ball, he called over an official who declared the ground was uneven. The player got a two length club drop and proceeded to make par. So, you are out playing with your buddies and try to use the uneven ground rule. There is no way you are going to get a free drop. First, your buddies never heard of that rule. Second, it would take all day to find it in the Holy Grail. Therefore, I now present to you Wayno’s Wacky Grail of Rules.

RULE # 1 – The PGA RULE BOOK WILL BE BURNED IN EEFIGY ON FEBRUARY 30, 2010.

RULE #2-THERE WILL BE NO HANDICAPS. This handicap crap was instituted in order to make the game fair and equal. Could you tell me one pros handicap?  Do the pros even have handicaps? Why do we have handicaps?  I play the game once a week in order to harass and wreak havoc on my buddies. They play 2000 times a week. My handicap is 1500, and theirs, in the double digits. Logically, I should win every time because of my handicap – I don’t. Thus, it is obvious I should be getting at least 1400 strokes a hole. They would totally disagree. Golf is the only sport that has a handicap system. However, I do like this idea and think handicaps should be instituted into all sports. In football, the team with the higher handicap would be given free first downs they could use any time. My favorite would be baseball. There would be nothing like watching the Yankees playing the Royals and before the first pitch the score would be Royals 3 Yankees 0.

RULE #3-ALL DRIVERS WILL BE BAN. Let’s have some realism here.  Golf manufactures know most golfers are men. Using this to their advantage they designed the driver to satisfy the male ego. Drivers are now bigger, wider, square, and even adjustable. When a foursome gets up to the first tee, they immediately size up their competitors driver. The one with the big driver shanks it to the left. The one with the square driver loses it to the right. The wide driver tops it 40 yards down the fairway. The adjustable hits it 100 yards into the other fairway. I refer to the driver as the PENIS. Most people use it because they are thinking with their little head and not their big head. I am doing you all a favor with this rule and improving your game. Let’s face it; with no more driving ranges you will be able to practice your chipping and putting. You all say, “You drive for show and putt for dough.” How many of you smart asses practice putting? Not many. You still go to the driving range and hit a club you use 14 times a round. While the money club sits idle in your bag. You want more dough; go to the PUTTING GREEN and PRACTICE. Need I say more? Good bye PENIS.

RULE #4-ALL PLAYERS WILL NOW CARRY ONLY SEVEN CLUBS. The damn golf bag is already too heavy to carry around. Nineteen clubs ( 2 iron, 3 iron, 4 iron, 5 iron, 6 iron, 7 iron, 8 iron, 9 iron, pitching wedge, sand wedge, 45 degree wedge, 60 degree wedge, 3 wood, 5 wood, 7 wood, hybrids – 3,5,7 and finally the putter) are too many to carry.  How often have you used your 2 iron? Never! You banana heads are too obsessed with the PROS. Dump all you clubs on the ground. Pick up your putter, kiss it and put it in your bag. Now choose 6 more clubs that you will use for the rest of your golfing life. These will now be referred to as the SAMARI SEVEN. The remaining clubs will be melted down for cash.

RULE #5-NO MORE GIMMES. How many free three foot putts have you been given over the years? How many have you given? No more, this practice is ka-put, finished, over, no longer part of the game. The hole will end when your ball goes plunk to the bottom of the hole.

RULE #6-WATER WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS LIQUID FAIRWAY. There will be NO PENALTY when you land in the liquid fairway. You will place another ball down and hit it from there. It isn’t my fault golf courses were designed with water in the middle of the fairway. Besides there will be less time looking for lost balls and the retriever fisherman will move along quicker.

RULE #7-THERE WILL NO LONGER BE OUT OF BOUNDS. However, if you lose a ball you will incur a ONE STROKE PENALITY. The ball cost you money and if you are foolish enough to lose it banana head you should have a penalty. Now if you find your ball and cannot hit it safely you will bring it to an area you can hit it safely. I know there will be a few million among you who would throw it 50 yards down the fairway. So the other players you are with will agree where the ball will be placed. If all cannot agree on the spot within 69 seconds THE GAME WILL BE OVER.

RULE #8-THE TEE UP RULE. This rule is also known as THE FARLEY TEE UP RULE. If your tee shot lands on a forward tee you tee it up again and hit your next shot.

RULE #9- ONLY WAYNO CAN MAKE THE RULES.  I will give you an example. I was playing with a group and my tee shot was taken by a mysterious force over the trees on the left. The ball hit a wooden bridge, bounced three times, and we could not find it. You would think rule #7 would be in effect. WRONG! Even though the ball was lost, unforeseen circumstances intervened. First, the mysterious force was taken into account. Second, the trees lined the left side of the fairway, thus the flight of the ball was lost. Third, the three bounces heard by all had to be counted. Fourth, it was a par three, which was factored in. Thus the wooden bridge rule was founded. This rule states, if you are on a per three and the left hand side of the fairway is lined with trees all the way to the green, and your tee shot is taken by a mysterious force over the trees, and the three bounces are heard by the other players, and the ball cannot be found, you get a free drop at the end of the bridge, and that will be your second shot. The clarity and precision of this rule (which was made up on the spot) is easy to understand. The logic used is astute and impeccable.

RULE #10- THERE WILL BE NO PENALTY IN SANDTRAPS. All players will be required to carry a child’s pail and shovel into the trap. The purpose will be to determine the consistence of the sand. If, the player doesn’t have these items he may use any other means available to determine consistence. Any ball buried or lodged against an embankment of sand will be placed in the middle of the trap with no penalty.

RULE # 11- FREE MOVEMENT OF BALL. Any ball found that cannot be hit freely will be moved to a safe swing area. This is a game and it makes no sense to get injured due to stupidity. Examples when a ball could be moved are: trees, shrubs, bushes, shmegma, roots, deep grass, cart paths, and dirt with rocks. No penalty will be incurred.

RULE # 12- NEW TEE BOXES – There will be men and women tee boxes only. I don’t want to hear any whining, so the boxes will be fifty yards long. You can tee off anywhere in that area. This rule is for the so called big hitters.

RULE #13 – NEW DRESS CODE. We act as if the golf course is some type of holy ground. The golf God’s would rain plagues on us if we didn’t wear the proper clothes. The golf God’s have enough fun with us no matter what we wear. Thus, the dress code is hereby abolished.

RULE #14- PLAYING TIME. All games will be played according to the following times: four players four hours, three players three hours, two players two hours and 37 minutes. I don’t want to hear any grumbling from the two players as I gave them an extra 37 minutes. This brings up the question of the slow player. Everybody complains about them. I am sorry I meant bitches and moans about them. Some of the big hitters even hit into them. Hitting into slow players is not the answer. Times will be strictly enforced. When your time is up, the ranger will come find you, and your game WILL BE OVER. Hitting into the group in front of you will bring IMMEDIATE COURSE EXPELTION. Inpatients and stupidity WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

RULE #15- NO BAD BEHAVIOR ON THE COURSE. This will not be tolerated. If a player throws his club, smashes it on the ground, kicks the golf cart, or in any way beats himself  up for a bad shot will immediately be kicked in the ass and escorted off the course. This is a game, people.

RULE #16- TALKING WILL REPLACE SILENCE. All players will be encouraged to talk while tee off and especially on the green. This game was made to have fun. This goal can be reached when players actively engage in conversation and joking. This rule encourages players to harass their buddies and reward bad shots not good ones. Smoking and HEAVY drinking will help this process.

RULE #17 – A NEW SCORING SYSTEM. All shots will be counted. Now that there are no handicaps, all shots from tee to cup will be counted. It drives me crazy when someone says, “I only can take a seven because of my handicap.” BULLSHIT. If you get a ten you get a ten. This will let us see how good you really are.

RULE #18 – IT’S ONLY GAME HAVE FUN. Many people have substituted this game for work. Competition is the key. People make up tournaments and play as if their life depends on it. They never enjoy the game. The less tense you are the better the game will be. I bet if you follow these rules your scores will not change, and you will enjoy it more.

RULE #19 – HOLE 19. This is the place all players come to have a beer, review the round, and have a couple of laughs. When I worked hole 19, I heard more complaints and arguments until the liquid refreshment took over their minds. Then the laughter came in buckets. I remember two players arguing vehemently about whether a ball was out of bounds. In the scope of things it didn’t matter.  Others complained about the sand-baggers. They always won the money. The other players were pissed about this but couldn’t do anything about it. These two problems have been taken care of by the new rules. Any further questions on the rules can be submitted by contacting Wayno on his cell at 500-354-6789 or for $500 a word text him at 500-Wayno’s rules of golf. REMEMBER IT’S A GAME, SO GO HAVE FUN.

This blog is dedicated to all Lexington Country Club Members.

With kindest regards, Judowolf.