JudoWolf.com

My honey do list includes the following; cleaning the toilet (thanks laxatives), dishes, floors, walls, windows, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, taking out the trash for the trash truck, recycling, wash, dry, fold and put away the laundry, making and changing the bed, getting the mail, mowing the grass, all other yard work, paying the bills (which encompasses writing the checks and mailing them), keeping track of our finances, doing the shopping (which includes food and all others, and my all time favorite buying cards for all occasions), going to the mall (they all should be burned down), washing the car, cooking and then cleaning up, chauffeuring (driving my wife to all doctor appointments and any place we go together, getting up in the morning and going to get donuts, pastries, cinnamon rolls, or any other junk food she may want), picking up her chemicals at the pharmacy or sending away a mail order, turning the thermostat up and down, assisting her getting dressed, taking a shower, blow drying her hair, working forty hours a week and finding time to sleep. I bet your honey do list cannot beat mine. My question is, “Does this qualify me as a caregiver?”

When we got married we enrolled in the share program. You know the program where the wife does 90% of all the household duties and the husband does 10%. This program was a total bust for me. I read the contract and I have no recourse but to follow its guidelines. It’s the damn fine print that always gets you:

“If the party of the first party contacts any type of disease including the following, ( a disease affecting the muscles, bones, nerves, hands, arms, legs, brain, spinal cord, eyes, ears, nose or throat, digestive, bladder or bowels) shall be cared for by the second party whom shall be the other spouse. This person will take over all the responsibilities of the first party and henceforth will no longer be referred to as the second, nor the first party, but as the caregiver party. Once this has been established the caregiver will take over all the responsibilities of the first party. There will be no bitching, complaining, yelling, moaning, tantrum throwing, slamming of doors, or bouts of emotional out bursts. If the caregiver at any time tries to void this contract for the following reason ( is not what I signed up for, emotional stress, doesn’t give a damn, can no longer do it, need a life of my own, financial hardship, or any other lame ass excuse) the disease which is affecting the first party shall be immediately placed upon the second party. However, the caregiver( who will now be referred to as the third party) if they wish to go back to being the second or first party will have to consult with the first party and the second party along with counsel will file a request to once again become the first or second party. The third party shall remain as the caregiver until the appeal has been processed and seen by a judge till he reaches a decision which shall be given to the first and second parties before notification is sent to the third party. The third party will thus remain the caregiver until the final decision has been handed down.”

Now that that’s all cleared up, there is no doubt in my mind I’m a caregiver.

This news was very disheartening and I immediately contacted my attorney for advice. I was sure once I explained the situation; he could get me out of this contract. He replied, “Its iron clad. There is nothing you can do.” After checking all know affiliates ( MS society, MD society, Diabetes Association, Teamsters, Auto Workers union, dock workers, steel workers, garment workers, bartenders, Salvation Army, Red Cross, boy scouts, comedians, politicians, sports figures, friends, family members, second cousins, religious figures (but not the Pope), grandchildren, past employers, my mother, deceased friends and relatives), I came to the conclusion there was no Caregivers union or organization that would be able to assist me. The only option available was to create my own caregiver organization which will be called The Caregivers Union Organization. I kept union in the title so in the future if I want to make a million dollars I can skim off the union dues. This will have to wait till we are well organized. The caregivers will be ecstatic to have an organization. The mission statement will be:

“As caregivers we will care for our loved ones to the best of our ability.”

· We will provide emotional support.

· We will not argue.

· We will never resent them.

· We will always communicate.

There is no doubt this is the best mission statement ever written; I am very proud of it. The caregivers who join will follow it to the letter or will be executed the next day. This organization will not be in the chicken shit group. We have a job to perform whether we like it or not. A real person will overcome the obstacles in their way. As they always say in New England, “Suck it up!”

With kindest regards, Judowolf